i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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