pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
