she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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