I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I FOUND THE LEGS
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
