apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Randomize
