I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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