dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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