At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
