I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize