He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I checked into jail on foursquare
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize