last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
