He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
i just sent this text using only my big toe
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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