Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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