He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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