update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Randomize
