So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
