I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Green mimosas i think yes
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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