Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
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