I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
