So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Dignity is for republicans.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Randomize
