i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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