She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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