This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Randomize
