If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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