I just pynch a tree in the face
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
