You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
