Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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