plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
You ruined the universe
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Randomize
