Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
