It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
