i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
