I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
