can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
