How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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