The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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