my mouth tastes like poor choices
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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