I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
