He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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