You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
