she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.�
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
