So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
