my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
