as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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