One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize