he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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