I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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