If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Tornado booty call.. dedication
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Randomize
