So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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