Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Randomize
