I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
you had me at cake vodka
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
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