There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Randomize
