just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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