the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
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