Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
