Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
