too bad you live with your parents still
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
