my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
operation have a gay friend backfired
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
